****Disclaimer*** This may or may not be you
Social Justice Steve - If Social Justice Steve seems weird, it's because he is. He may seem nice at first when telling you his PTSD life story on your first date in a dingy coffee shop, but buyer beware. He will pour your wine down the sink because his mother was an alcoholic and give you shit for smoking because his dad died of lung cancer. He is too concerned with the plight of the violinist prostitutes to ever give a shit about your feelings, all while you feel bad because you have been induced to some sick Stockholm Syndrome of his Munchhausen pathetic life. His soft spoken nature won't last long and he is also a terrible friend. He hasn't had a real job since 1992 and spends his time protesting and mooching off of girlfriends and the government because he thinks he is entitled to a free ride because mommy never bought him a car for his 16th birthday. He probably secretly whacks off to little boys and is a hoarder, all while planning a protest against hoarders who look at child pornography.
Hipster Cal - Hipster Cal seems like a really cool guy, but don't let his accordian playing and knowledge of craft beer fool you. Hipster Cal picks his nose in public and hasn't washed his clothes since Joey Smallwood was premier and is completely fulfilled slinging espressos to other hipsters with septum piercings in a hole-in-the-wall cafe run by other hipsters. He may be good at art and carry around a copy of Catcher In The Rye, but much like Holden Caufield himself, he is stuck in the brain of a teenager, possibly since the time he did mushrooms on his parent's farm when he was 15. Not to mention his time warp of the 1800's, and you will never be good enough for him, especially not if you own a *gasp* cell phone or paint your nails occasionally.
Professional Student Paul - Professional Student Paul spends his days plotting the destruction of capitalism using post-modernist Marxist theory and organizing themes of Kurt Vonnegut books - or so he would like you to think. He actually lives in his mother's house and spends most of his days playing RPG's and trolling CBC articles. Although he seems intelligent, he is completely unemployable and although you may enjoy his quick witted sense of humor and urge to engage in academic debates, everything is a debate. And you never win. And because the only topic he really knows anything about is capitalism because the only course he ever passed at MUN was sociology 1000, every argument will inevitably lead back to capitalism. Don't feel bad you can't win though - he has no intention on ever getting any sort of degree.
Skinny Jeans Brady - Skinny Jeans Brady seems like a total catch when you first hear his band at 2AM while loaded in a dive bar, but don't be fooled. Much like Professional Student Paul, he has been unable to leave his mother's house although he is well into his thirties. When he does have a place of his own, the upkeep is just too much for him to deal with because he was so spoiled in the suburbs he hasn't quite learned how to wash dishes or make beds. Don't feel bad about him not calling you back - he has slept with half of the show goers in the city, and only because tequila is a dangerous concept. Don't let those girl pants or the aviators he wears indoors at night fool you. When he is not getting loaded and dabbling in cocaine with his dive bar band, he is playing Pokemon Stadium on Gameboy for days on end.
Writer Joe - Writer Joe is actually a nice person and is quite successful, gaining much public notoriety and accumulating many earthly possessions such as houses and vehicles. Unfortunately, he dresses like he was just on the cast of Sons of Anarchy and his bad-boy persona is just a cover up for his 40 odd year-old teenage angst. He will prey on you and make you uncomfortable until you sleep with him, but will never stay the night because someone finding out who he really is may just leave him too vulnerable. Fortunately, most people have seen through this act. When he is not chasing every girl with tattoos who just turned 18 and are maybe too naive to know he is just a pussy bitch player, he cries himself to sleep over the loss of the love of his life, which he knows was his fault. No one will ever measure up to her so also don't feel bad. He will destroy you from the inside out so you are just as depressed as him. Good for a couple dates, but beyond that just too much drama.
Almost-Famous Brad - Almost-Famous Brad is an incredibly talented musician and could have went very far in life, but he spent all his time and money doing cocaine until he had a heart attack at 36 so now he is the sound technician at the local dinner theater. He does play in a few local bands that are cherished in the scene, but it's a small scene of nose candy parties in the back rooms of bars. Almost-Famous Brad should own multiple houses by now but still rents a dingy bachelor pad downtown so he can sleep in until 4 PM while blowing his nose about 42 times throughout the day, all before getting up to do it all over again. He may be fun to date for a few weeks until you decide to get your shit together. The party has to end sometime. Unfortunately, Almost-Famous Brad never got the memo.
Dive Bar John - Dive Bar John seems great at first, and he is a nice guy and talented musician. But for someone pushing 50, he doesn't seem to realize it is a little pathological to spend every night in a dive bar getting loaded. His best friends are the bartenders of the dive bars and other alcoholics. He does have one thing going for him - he has been able to hold down a full-time job in an undisclosed minimum wage location, possibly to pay for his crippling alcoholism. You will see Dive Bar John every time you go out, because he literally is in bars all the time. He is kind of awkward and shy and won't get the hint you are hitting on him, but if you take him home, just remember he won't call. His first and last love is the grimy, sticky tops of bars and drinking Maximum Ice.
Moocher Zack- Moocher Zack is probably the worst person you could ever meet, although he does have some redeeming qualities, such as an affinity for photography and somewhat decently plays the bass guitar. But watch out, for he is constantly lurking for his next vulnerable female he can mooch off of, either in the form of a roommate or girlfriend (preferably both). Although he keeps his room tidy and washes dishes, he will have some sort of incapacitating excuse for his unemployment and why his last roommate/girlfriend kicked him out and warned you about him. Slowly he will eat all your groceries and at first you will feel bad. Then, he skips rent and bills until you have no choice but to eventually cut ties entirely. This process may take longer than you are willing to admit because of the soft spot you had carved out for him. But don't feel bad- this was his game all along. He may secretly feel guilty about his sociopathic tendencies, and will try to regain your respect and trust. But you best just be moving on because he will inevitably find his next victim.
Coke Party Craig - Coke Party Craig is not the typical person you would go for, but was so warm and welcoming to everyone around him despite his DC hat and Fox Racing Jacket that you were stupid enough to go home with him. But Coke Party Craig is only interested in cocaine, and parties. And although he is the life of the party, he has a propensity to get depressed and stay in bed for days on end, although you will never see that side of him. He uses his boisterous voice and misogynistic attitude to make up for the fact that he can barely spell a sentence or add up simple numbers. He is still not quite over his high school bully, so he thinks that the shittier he treats women, the more other people will like him. Although he would prefer an intelligent girl without makeup to spend his life with, he just gravitates towards drunk dance club girls because he feels too inadequate to ask somebody he actually prefers on a date. Although I like Coke Party Craig as a person, he is just too high maintenance for a relationship. Besides the drug abuse, there would be about 4000 questionable comments and things he did per day that any self-respecting woman would not put up with. You cannot fix him! Don't be fooled. Makes an awesome and loyal friend though.
Bartender Bob - Bartender Bob is obviously employed, and seems like a well-rounded person despite his daily post-shift scotch drinking, but he is seriously not worth your time. His house is so messy that you will never set foot in it, as the moldy take out containers all over his bedroom floor may have become a health hazard. You will have a great time together, but he is not interested in commitment, although he will treat you well, take you out, but not give you any indication that he is actually not interested in you. Quite the opposite, in fact. But don't fret too much. He cashed in his RRSP's to attend Comicon and has more comic books than a third grader, and most likely stole a pair of your panties for his collection.
I rant about things that irritate me, such as the state of politics, idiot parents, and the general inability for people to see the truth.
