The Ten Guys You Meet In St.John's

****Disclaimer*** This may or may not be you

Social Justice Steve - If Social Justice Steve seems weird, it's because he is. He may seem nice at first when telling you his PTSD life story on your first date in a dingy coffee shop, but buyer beware. He will pour your wine down the sink because his mother was an alcoholic and give you shit for smoking because his dad died of lung cancer. He is too concerned with the plight of the violinist prostitutes to ever give a shit about your feelings, all while you feel bad because you have been induced to some sick Stockholm Syndrome of his Munchhausen pathetic life. His soft spoken nature won't last long and he is also a terrible friend. He hasn't had a real job since 1992 and spends his time protesting and mooching off of girlfriends and the government because he thinks he is entitled to a free ride because mommy never bought him a car for his 16th birthday. He probably secretly whacks off to little boys and is a hoarder, all while planning a protest against hoarders who look at child pornography.

Hipster Cal - Hipster Cal seems like a really cool guy, but don't let his accordian  playing and knowledge of craft beer fool you. Hipster Cal picks his nose in public and hasn't washed his clothes since Joey Smallwood was premier and is completely fulfilled slinging espressos to other hipsters with septum piercings in a hole-in-the-wall cafe run by other hipsters. He may be good at art and carry around a copy of Catcher In The Rye, but much like Holden Caufield himself, he is stuck in the brain of a teenager, possibly since the time he did mushrooms on his parent's farm when he was 15. Not to mention his time warp of the 1800's, and you will never be good enough for him, especially not if you own a *gasp* cell phone or paint your nails occasionally.

Professional Student Paul - Professional Student Paul spends his days plotting the destruction of capitalism using post-modernist Marxist theory and organizing themes of Kurt Vonnegut books - or so he would like you to think. He actually lives in his mother's house and spends most of his days playing RPG's and trolling CBC articles. Although he seems intelligent, he is completely unemployable and although you may enjoy his quick witted sense of humor and urge to engage in academic debates, everything is a debate. And you never win. And because the only topic he really knows anything about is capitalism because the only  course he ever passed at MUN was sociology 1000, every argument will inevitably lead back to capitalism. Don't feel bad you can't win though - he has no intention on ever getting any sort of degree.

Skinny Jeans Brady - Skinny Jeans Brady seems like a total catch when you first hear his band at 2AM while loaded in a dive bar, but don't be fooled. Much like Professional Student Paul, he has been unable to leave his mother's house although he is well into his thirties. When he does have a place of his own, the upkeep is just too much for him to deal with because he was so spoiled in the suburbs he hasn't quite learned how to wash dishes or make beds. Don't feel bad about him not calling you back - he has slept with half of the show goers in the city, and only because tequila is a dangerous concept. Don't let those girl pants or the aviators he wears indoors at night fool you. When he is not getting loaded and dabbling in cocaine with his dive bar band, he is playing Pokemon Stadium on Gameboy for days on end.

Writer Joe - Writer Joe is actually a nice person and is quite successful, gaining much public notoriety and accumulating many earthly possessions such as houses and vehicles. Unfortunately, he dresses like he was just on the cast of Sons of Anarchy and his bad-boy persona is just a cover up for his 40 odd year-old teenage angst. He will prey on you and make you uncomfortable until you sleep with him, but will never stay the night because someone finding out who he really is may just leave him too vulnerable. Fortunately, most people have seen through this act. When he is not chasing every girl with tattoos who just turned 18 and are maybe too naive to know he is just a pussy bitch player, he cries himself to sleep over the loss of the love of his life, which he knows was his fault. No one will ever measure up to her so also don't feel bad. He will destroy you from the inside out so you are just as depressed as him. Good for a couple dates, but beyond that just too much drama.

Almost-Famous Brad - Almost-Famous Brad is an incredibly talented musician and could have went very far in life, but he spent all his time and money doing cocaine until he had a heart attack at 36 so now he is the sound technician at the local dinner theater. He does play in a few local bands that are cherished in the scene, but it's a small scene of nose candy parties in the back rooms of bars. Almost-Famous Brad should own multiple houses by now but still rents a dingy bachelor pad downtown so he can sleep in until 4 PM while blowing his nose about 42 times throughout the day, all before getting up to do it all over again. He may be fun to date for a few weeks until you decide to get your shit together. The party has to end sometime. Unfortunately, Almost-Famous Brad never got the memo.

Dive Bar John - Dive Bar John seems great at first, and he is a nice guy and talented musician. But for someone pushing 50, he doesn't seem to realize it is a little pathological to spend every night in a dive bar getting loaded. His best friends are the bartenders of the dive bars and other alcoholics. He does have one thing going for him - he has been able to hold down a full-time job in an undisclosed minimum wage location, possibly to pay for his crippling alcoholism. You will see Dive Bar John every time you go out, because he literally is in bars all the time. He is kind of awkward and shy and won't get the hint you are hitting on him, but if you take him home, just remember he won't call. His first and last love is the grimy, sticky tops of bars and drinking Maximum Ice.

Moocher Zack- Moocher Zack is probably the worst person you could ever meet, although he does have some redeeming qualities, such as an affinity for photography and somewhat decently plays the bass guitar. But watch out, for he is constantly lurking for his next vulnerable female he can mooch off of, either in the form of a roommate or girlfriend (preferably both). Although he keeps his room tidy and washes dishes, he will have some sort of incapacitating excuse for his unemployment and why his last roommate/girlfriend kicked him out and warned you about him. Slowly he will eat all your groceries and at first you will feel bad. Then, he skips rent and bills until you have no choice but to eventually cut ties entirely. This process may take longer than you are willing to admit because of the soft spot you had carved out for him. But don't feel bad- this was his game all along. He may secretly feel guilty about his sociopathic tendencies, and will try to regain your respect and trust. But you best just be moving on because he will inevitably find his next victim.

Coke Party Craig - Coke Party Craig is not the typical person you would go for, but was so warm and welcoming to everyone around him despite his DC hat and Fox Racing Jacket that you were stupid enough to go home with him. But Coke Party Craig is only interested in cocaine, and parties. And although he is the life of the party, he has a propensity to get depressed and stay in bed for days on end, although you will never see that side of him. He uses his boisterous voice and misogynistic attitude to make up for the fact that he can barely spell a sentence or add up simple numbers. He is still not quite over his high school bully, so he thinks that the shittier he treats women, the more other people will like him. Although he would prefer an intelligent girl without makeup to spend his life with, he just gravitates towards drunk dance club girls because he feels too inadequate to ask somebody he actually prefers on a date. Although I like Coke Party Craig as a person, he is just too high maintenance for a relationship. Besides the drug abuse, there would be about 4000 questionable comments and things he did per day that any self-respecting woman would not put up with. You cannot fix him! Don't be fooled. Makes an awesome and loyal friend though.

Bartender Bob - Bartender Bob is obviously employed, and seems like a well-rounded person despite his daily post-shift scotch drinking, but he is seriously not worth your time. His house is so messy that you will never set foot in it, as the moldy take out containers all over his bedroom floor may have become a health hazard. You will have a great time together, but he is not interested in commitment, although he will treat you well, take you out, but not give you any indication that he is actually not interested in you. Quite the opposite, in fact. But don't fret too much. He cashed in his RRSP's to attend Comicon and has more comic books than a third grader, and most likely stole a pair of your panties for his collection.

What I Learned My Two Years Sober!

I like drinking.

What The Fuck Is a Real Woman Anyway?

I came across this lovely little article  about five minutes ago. I haven't read it yet but just anticipating all the bullshit that will grace this list in advance.

http://www.puckermob.com/lifestyle/43-things-that-make-a-real-woman

Because of course, if I don't fit these 43 specific points, my ovaries just simply don't exist after all.

Real women have smokey eyes.

Oh, I didn't realize if I didn't follow a makeup tutorial and plaster my eyes with smoky colors then I am not real.

 Real women go bare-faced.

I actually do this everyday, because I have a face, like most humans.

Real women are passionate, and challenge you, making you jump in the deep end.

Who is this "you" they are talking to? Is the intended audience single males? Another problem here. Maybe I just want to tell "you" to do whatever the fuck you want and save my so-called passion for my own dreams.

Real women will remain quiet, watching the lines around your eyes when you smile.

From now on my lips are sealed. I just love keeping my mouth shut and watching you age.

 Real women have one-night stands, or sleepless nights with themselves.

Or don't, or do both, or who gives a fuck?

Real women wear sweatpants and flats, or 5 inch heels beat up from walking.

Or just clothing because that is how society dictates our social norms.

Real women believe in God, in nothing, in a religion they find within themselves.Or others.

This article does not have the intellectual capacity to start in on the philosophical argument of god.

Real women can light up any room with their alluring energy, because of their degrees, or street smarts. Life experience or diplomas, empathy or bluntness.

Oh can I allure a whole room please? Can I? At least this one is a little more broad.

Real women are youthful with old souls. And ageless with young souls.

Real women hold their own anywhere they go.Or hold others wherever they are.

I guess going anywhere is out for this unreal woman...

Real women write love letters, or text messages with emojis.

What the fuck is an emoji??? I rather write a thesis.

Real women are sultry and devious, and wholesome and innocent.

And hypocritical!

Real women will speak up for what they believe.

Real women will remain silent, because they would rather listen and understand.

Again with the shut up, woman. Not really speaking up for what you believe, then?

Real women love themselves.

Well I can support self-love for anyone.

Real women are learning to.

*Too

Real women read books.

Real women drink whiskey, and stay up all night drinking,tending to their broken hearts, or because they simply want to.

Promoting alcoholism since 1921.

Real women have curves.

Real women don’t.

Real women are sexual and asexual and bisexual.

Real women are happy in a 5 dollar t-shirt.

Real women are happy in a 5 thousand dollar coat.

I love coats that cost 6 months of rent!

Real women are Laverne Cox, Bruce Jenner, Janet Mock.

I actually don't know any of these woman. But I am not a real woman, so I look up to people like Maya Angelou and Helen Keller.

Real women are complicated and mysterious, changing your life with their spirit; making you laugh, and cry, and alive.

Real women are simple and consistent, changing your life with their ease;making you happy, and peaceful, and fulfilled.

Well Jesus H. Christ, that is a lot to live up to. I mean, I exist to changing lives, making someone happy, peaceful and fulfilled.
How fulfilling.
Maybe once that is complete, I will do something for myself.
Because real women aren't lists of stereotypes.
Real women don't all want a relationship. Real women don't all want a relationship with a man. And fuck if I won't say it, not all real women were born with a vagina.
Real women aren't happy in a certain type of clothing or another or have this body type or another because we are human and are all fucking different.
And we are not all little maternal balls of sunshine, requiring the masses to bow at our eternal allure and gracefulness.
And some of us want to fix our own cars, and some of us want a partner to do that for us, and some of us want to work and some of us want to raise our kids at home and all of that is fine too.
But there are too many possibilities to list. Stop turning us into lists. K, thanks, bye.

This article gets 3 out of 5 sheep.

Why These Social Welfare Ideologies are So Dangerous

I recently came across this picture in my Facebook news feed, shared from "Right Wing News." I will continue to defend my position to the death about this, knowing the person who posted it was not being satirical in any sense of the word. Another fine example of people who cant think for themselves spreading socially dangerous propaganda about a subject they know nothing of. I was having a discussion about this with a friend today, who said it best when she said. "RIGHT, Like...yes now, we're just sitting on our asses watching pay per view on our huge tvs and eating top notch delivered food on our silk jammies." I laughed and replied, "don't forget about pimping out our trucks." I say "our" because we, like many others in an unequally divided wealth system, who have had to utilize the social welfare system out of necessity. And not laziness, may I add, which seems to be the ideology of so many people who are quick to think anyone on social assistance flat out refuses to work.

Let me start by saying that nobody flat out REFUSES to work. There are many social and personal problems that lead to a lack of employment. Think disability (and yes, mental illness is considered a disability), lack of jobs, unequal access to education, homelessness, involvement with the justice system, addiction, and the ultimate double edged sword I have found myself in - no money to print resumes or even take a bus to a job interview.

Why do people seem to think that living on social assistance is some sort of luxury? I have received disability for mental illness two years combined to date. There was a whole year where after I paid rent. my only left over income was fifty dollars a MONTH. Yes, a month. What is fifty dollars? No social life. No cigarettes. Definitely no drinking or drugs. Barely three loaves of bread and a carton of milk. As if I am wasting your tax dollars to have no social life, no upward social mobility and no hope for the future. It is difficult to come out of. Even now, on the upswing of receiving the appropriate mental health care and medication, I can only work part-time or the old demon of depression and anxiety creeps into every cell that I have, rendering me useless.  And the cycle starts all over, if I let myself go there. But I don't. I can't.

Another point here is that I have paid my share of tax dollars too. Why do you think you are special here? Do I have your permission now to utilize a necessary system within our social paradigm because I have worked? It shouldn't even matter, this point is actually irrelevant but I figured I should make it regardless, if only to educate the masses. Not to mention that more of your precious tax dollars are spent on say, Stephen Harper sending himself a bullet-proof limousine to India, which cost you 1.2 million dollars. And why exactly are a small portion of the population barely being able to eat or have any hope for the future so offensive to you?

These pictures and comments are categorically incorrect, which is why they bother me so much. If you don't want your tax dollars going to people who really need some social support why don't you just move to another country and be some sort of slave driving capitalist? I mean, that option is always there.

I don't see you at protests lobbying for free post-secondary education. I didn't see you bring food to the food bank or your old children's toys to the Single Parents Association. I didn't see you in rehab or the mental health unit at the hospital. I didn't see you talk to the street beggars like humans. I didn't see you volunteer at the women's shelter. All I saw was your ignorance, your brand new house, your trades diploma that mommy paid for, your fancy souped-up truck and your inability to think about the social issues that affect everyone around you. Except you, apparently, are immune. They don't involve you. You are better than us. I for one and am sick of this dangerous ideology. I am giving the voiceless a voice. As I just typed that, the cap on my tooth fell off. This is totally ironic because now I have no front tooth and no dental insurance. But I don't deserve a tooth because I am poor right??

Here's to thinking!!!