What The Fuck Is a Real Woman Anyway?

I came across this lovely little article  about five minutes ago. I haven't read it yet but just anticipating all the bullshit that will grace this list in advance.

http://www.puckermob.com/lifestyle/43-things-that-make-a-real-woman

Because of course, if I don't fit these 43 specific points, my ovaries just simply don't exist after all.

Real women have smokey eyes.

Oh, I didn't realize if I didn't follow a makeup tutorial and plaster my eyes with smoky colors then I am not real.

 Real women go bare-faced.

I actually do this everyday, because I have a face, like most humans.

Real women are passionate, and challenge you, making you jump in the deep end.

Who is this "you" they are talking to? Is the intended audience single males? Another problem here. Maybe I just want to tell "you" to do whatever the fuck you want and save my so-called passion for my own dreams.

Real women will remain quiet, watching the lines around your eyes when you smile.

From now on my lips are sealed. I just love keeping my mouth shut and watching you age.

 Real women have one-night stands, or sleepless nights with themselves.

Or don't, or do both, or who gives a fuck?

Real women wear sweatpants and flats, or 5 inch heels beat up from walking.

Or just clothing because that is how society dictates our social norms.

Real women believe in God, in nothing, in a religion they find within themselves.Or others.

This article does not have the intellectual capacity to start in on the philosophical argument of god.

Real women can light up any room with their alluring energy, because of their degrees, or street smarts. Life experience or diplomas, empathy or bluntness.

Oh can I allure a whole room please? Can I? At least this one is a little more broad.

Real women are youthful with old souls. And ageless with young souls.

Real women hold their own anywhere they go.Or hold others wherever they are.

I guess going anywhere is out for this unreal woman...

Real women write love letters, or text messages with emojis.

What the fuck is an emoji??? I rather write a thesis.

Real women are sultry and devious, and wholesome and innocent.

And hypocritical!

Real women will speak up for what they believe.

Real women will remain silent, because they would rather listen and understand.

Again with the shut up, woman. Not really speaking up for what you believe, then?

Real women love themselves.

Well I can support self-love for anyone.

Real women are learning to.

*Too

Real women read books.

Real women drink whiskey, and stay up all night drinking,tending to their broken hearts, or because they simply want to.

Promoting alcoholism since 1921.

Real women have curves.

Real women don’t.

Real women are sexual and asexual and bisexual.

Real women are happy in a 5 dollar t-shirt.

Real women are happy in a 5 thousand dollar coat.

I love coats that cost 6 months of rent!

Real women are Laverne Cox, Bruce Jenner, Janet Mock.

I actually don't know any of these woman. But I am not a real woman, so I look up to people like Maya Angelou and Helen Keller.

Real women are complicated and mysterious, changing your life with their spirit; making you laugh, and cry, and alive.

Real women are simple and consistent, changing your life with their ease;making you happy, and peaceful, and fulfilled.

Well Jesus H. Christ, that is a lot to live up to. I mean, I exist to changing lives, making someone happy, peaceful and fulfilled.
How fulfilling.
Maybe once that is complete, I will do something for myself.
Because real women aren't lists of stereotypes.
Real women don't all want a relationship. Real women don't all want a relationship with a man. And fuck if I won't say it, not all real women were born with a vagina.
Real women aren't happy in a certain type of clothing or another or have this body type or another because we are human and are all fucking different.
And we are not all little maternal balls of sunshine, requiring the masses to bow at our eternal allure and gracefulness.
And some of us want to fix our own cars, and some of us want a partner to do that for us, and some of us want to work and some of us want to raise our kids at home and all of that is fine too.
But there are too many possibilities to list. Stop turning us into lists. K, thanks, bye.

This article gets 3 out of 5 sheep.